Welcomed Childhood Memories

I went through an extended period of overwhelming stress, and frankly, clinical depression, in the 90's. It was a time of great, almost uninmaginable loss. And in the process, I lost a lot of the memories that I had previously treasured.

Sobbing on my therapist's couch, I mourned that there were so many moments of my past that I couldn't force my mind to retrieve. Likening my situation to post traumatic stress disorder, she assured me that these memories would return. I can't tell you how much I wanted them. I needed them to remind myself how truly I had been blessed.

Many have now returned. Many have not. In quiet moments of reflection, I often dig and scratch at the journal of my mind, trying to remember the joys of life, pre-1992. I rarely succeed.

Those I do recall, I consider souvenirs. And I give words to them, so they'll never be lost again.

Dear Santa

If only you delivered from Heaven,

my list would be short.

48 Great Things About My Special Weekend

1. Pumpkin Peeps from my pal!
2. As well as two fabulous bottles of my favorite wine in two fabulous wine bags, decorated with my favorite... stars!
3. A sweet and thoughtful card (and check) from my Aunt N!
4. A thoughtful email from Aunt P!
5. Pushing a huge project out the door on Friday!
6. Having the weekend off from work (for the first time in almost six months)!
7. A good cry, remembering the people who meant the most in your life. It's overwhelmingly sad that they're gone, but I'm so truly blessed to have had them in the first place!
8. The first cool front that you can actually feel... the weather is wonderful!
9. Spending time with my oldest (by that, I mean longest!) and bestest friend!
10. A custom made photo book, celebrating our friendship! It's so awesome! I love it and cry every time I look at it!
11. My coveted, much anticipated and awesome howling dog sculpture!
12. An excellent and oversized fried chicken lunch at Grand Luxe!
13. Creme brulee to top off an already stuffed tummy!
14. Fun adventures at Cost Plus World Market!
15. Perfect new front door mat, matching both the exterior and interior of my house!
16. Four perfect hammered iron dogs!
17. An awesome wood cross!
18. Three new Halloween rubber ducks!
19. A handful of other clever rubber ducks!
20. A new basket with wooden handles, just like I've been looking for!
21. A surprise email from someone who validated my weekend off!
22. An quiet evening of house flipping entertainment on Bravo!
23. Re-run fried chicken for dinner!
24. The most wonderful night's sleep... in almost forever!
25. Sleeping in!
26. Shmuggling with Miss C, as if she knew it was my special day!
27. Breakfast in bed! (Ok, I had to get up, get dressed and go get it, before I enjoyed it in bed, but still...)!
28. Leisurely chores! Finally time to clean the iron! (You know, soak the filter in vinegar and steam the tank to you heart's content)! And... Socks in (the wash) = Socks out (of the dryer)! That has to be some sort of record!
29. A sweet card and Starbucks gift card (making the gift way over done) from my (peeps and wine) pal!
30. Baking home made peanut butter cookies!
31. Eating home made peanur butter cookies!
32. Lazily watching mindless television!
33. A phone call from my bestest friend!
34. A phone call from Aunt N!
35. Hummingbirds and butterflies!
36. A phone call with melodic salutations from my (peeps and wine and bucks) pal and Shiner Hoo Hoo!
37. In honor of my special day, non-partisan politics, courtesy of 740 KTRH.
38. And a carefully worded message from the 9-5-0, Radio Mojo!
39. A hilarious card from 'Sammy the Psychic Dog'!
40. An equally hilarious card from M&S, who I want to mention... are well within my top 5 favorite people!
41. A true surprise (thank goodness it didn't need air holes!) and thoughtful gift from M&S (top 5, for sure!)... and something I've always wanted... a rock salt crystal lamp! It's beautiful!
42. Margarita Sunday with my favorite people!
43. Fried avocado! Need I say more?!
44. Nothing says your special day like wearing a sombrero and having your (big ole fat) picture taken!
45. Phone call from my brother! I love him so much!
46. Singing phone call from MMSP&J!
47. Phone call from pals, L&S! I already miss them!
48. Peaceful moments to reflect on the day, the weekend. I'm blessed. I am!

My Daddy's 78th Birthday

That's what today is.

I miss him more than I could possibly express, but he knows.

Time dulls the sadness, and these days, I make a conscious effort to celebrate, rather than mourn so much.

If Daddy were alive today, he would be indulging in his passions: humor, writing, cooking, golf and the occasional hunting trip.

He may be gone from my physical world. But he continues to be my rock, my barometer, my mentor and my precious Daddy.

A friend asked me how I intended to honor him today. And this will sound funny to everyone except the friend who asked, and Daddy... but I planned to go to Aquarium World and buy some new fish.

Unfortunately, it flooded severely here with over 6" of rain in about 2 hours, and then it still kept raining... upon saturated soil and already near full bayous. My friend pointed out that I might have lost the fish on the swim home!

Tomorrow, though... I'll select the perfect fish, and bring them home to live.

Photo of Daddy and me, circa... ain't sayin'.

The Worst Day of My Life

Today is the 14th anniversary of the worst day of my life... the day my father died.

I've written volumes, expounding on what he meant to me and how much I miss him. But truly, there are no words that come close to explaining.

I would love to tell you who he was, to tell you everything about him. And I would love everyone to know how much a father can mean, particularly in his daughter's life.

For now, and pardon the impersonality... I love what Linda Ellerbee said about her father:

He was generous with his affection, given to great, awkward, engulfing hugs, and I can remember so clearly the smell of his hugs, all starched shirt, tobacco, Old Spice and Cutty Sark. Sometimes I think I’ve never been properly hugged since.

Daddy's hugs meant love and security in their purest senses and were far from awkward, but I remember them distinctly. It's funny, though, the older I got, the more I didn't want him to let go. I know, for a fact, that I've never been loved or treated, by anyone else, the way he loved me, or treated the way he treated me. No one has ever even come close.

As an example, Daddy and I had a telephone conversation one day, the content of which I don't remember, but he said something that made me cry. When the call ended, I can only assume he felt as bad as I did.

The next day I received, in the mail, a typewritten letter from him that read simply:

Sometimes daddies say the wrong things. And sometimes daddies say too much.

Your daddy is sometimes like that.

The letter was signed, "Your daddy always loves you. Daddy." And there was a $20 bill enclosed which, to this day (and I've kept it), makes me smile. That was just SO Daddy.

The bottom line is that no one has ever believed in me like Daddy believed in me. And I know I've never been properly hugged, loved or believed in since.